Sure. [ He stops long enough to look in a mirror to make sure he's not a mess, run his fingers through his hair or something, before he teleports himself to the roof.
He walks to the ends and sits, letting his legs hang over the side. Its his favorite place in Wonderland. ]
[Teddy can't teleport, but Billy doesn't have to wait too long before he joins him. He looks less composed than he had earlier, which isn't saying much, considering how disoriented he'd been to begin with. His hair is mussed, rumpled from having been sprawled on the bed that he guesses is 'his' now that he's stuck here.
He exhales, lowering himself down to sit beside Billy but taking care to leave a few inches of space between them. It's probably not the time for them to be holding hands.]
I'm sorry. Whatever I missed, I don't think I can even begin to explain away, because I don't understand most of it, but the things I do remember? From home? I'm sorry, Billy.
[ Billy looks over at him and sighs. ] I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I know technically what happened here wasn't you, that wasn't fair of me. I'm sorry I snapped.
[ He pulls his legs up, resting his chin on his knees and wrapping his arms around his legs. ] As for what happened at home, its fine. It was already resolved before I got here. [ If resolved means barely talked about then sure. ] You just sort of brought old feelings back up.
[He nods a little in response, grabbing hold of the edge of the roof and letting his fingers curl over it. He looks straight ahead for a moment before he turns his gaze down towards his feet, dangling over the side as they are.]
It's already resolved?
[He wants to know how. What choice did he make? Had he fixed things, or only made them worse?]
Billy... some of what you said I did, when you snapped. The things I don't remember--
[He looks up again, grimacing.]
I can't ever imagine doing anything like that to you.
[Even with his doubts, his concerns, he can't even fathom the idea of being with anyone else. He'd never wanted anyone else.]
[ He looks over at Teddy, feeling guilty for everything he said. He did understand, that Teddy was worried, that Loki had seeded doubts in his head. He understood then and he does now too. It just hurt that he had doubted Billy, that he had listened to david and he hadn't tried to talk to Billy. ]
Do you want to know your future? I mean, it's only a few weeks- amonth and a half or so from where you are. What happens after New Years I haven't got a clue about. But I'll tell you if you want to know.
[ He moves his gaze back to the grounds of Wonderland. The view rarely changes and it's sort of comforting. ]
I couldn't either.
[ He lets out a breath, its shaky and he's trying not to let everything overwhelm him. ]
I can tell you about the last three years of you really want to know. They aren't going to be easy to hear.
[He exhales slowly. He doesn't really know if he wants to hear all of it-- but he needs to. They're two very different things, but he needs to know exactly what it was that had made Billy explode the way he had.
He grimaces, setting his jaw before giving Billy a nod.]
I kind of got that, from the way you snapped earlier. It's okay. Even if it's going to be hard to listen to...
[He shakes his head.]
I need to know. I have to know what I did. You said I--
[He pauses again, looking straight ahead. He can't look at Billy as he echoes this part.]
I snapped your neck.
[There's nothing, nothing that he can think of that would ever make him raise a hand against Billy. Nothing. Even when they were a mess, the way he felt about Billy was all-consuming. How could he have done something like that? How would he have been able to sleep at night afterwards, having hurt him?]
[ He could do this. He could tell Teddy everything that happened and then maybe, maybe he could start healing from it.
He exhales and tries to think of where to start. The beginning is probably the best place. ]
I showed up here three years ago, three years and two weeks actually if you want to get specific. Kate was where, she was from a little more ahead of us in time but she had been in California when she was pulled here. A week or so later Tommy showed up. Then in July you showed up too, only you were behind us. This place can take us from whatever time it wants and it took you from Latveria- right when you woke up to find I had gone off to storm Doom's castle.
It started off badly, I don't know why. You were three years behind, you didn't know about Cassie or Vision, or me yet. You didn't know about Mother or not believing you were real or anything that had shaped us. Maybe I made the wrong call, but I didn't want to tell you. Cassie's death changed us all and I didn't want you to know but not have lived it. Things were strained and you were really closed off. We fought.
Then you went home. Sometimes this place will send us home for a week or so but our stuff will stay which means we'll be back. We forget when we go home but once we get back our memories of this place return.
You came back and we were on the same page again, and everything was good. For a little while.
[ Some of this is hard to explain, events are hard to explain if they haven't lived them yet, but Billy keeps going because it seems that he can't stop. He tells Teddy about the other alternate world Avengers who were there, Cap, and Natasha and Bucky, all three of whom he grew close to and trained him, how two of them had left (even though Bucky is back now). He talked about Wanda and how close they grew and how she also left, and the one that was he he hadn't let himself get close to get. He told him about Tommy and Kate and that they were gone and eventually he explained about the event that turned them into high school students and his best friend during that event being Loki. ]
When we change back to normal we remember everything that happened during the event. I remember this life where I grew up without powers but with a best friend who was a little mischievous but a good person. He wasn't like our Loki, any of them, he was broken but not bad, he just needed a chance and I wanted to give that to him. I refused to let him push me away and we actually did become friends. He taught me a lot more about my magic than anyone else has ever been able to and I trusted him.
And you hated it.
We fought about it a lot. Every time we did you seemed to withdraw further and further from me no matter how hard I tried to pull you back. It got to the point where I didn't see you for days at a time, and we lived together. You actively started to avoid me and spend time with someone else, or I assume you did, you never really told me. Every event that happened you got further from the person you were and just I didn't know you anymore.
[ He takes a breath and lets it out. The pauses because the next part is the start of the part he's going to hate. ]
We had an event. Zombies, the first of like four zombie events. [ He hates Zombie events. ]
You were avoiding me and I was taking care of Tommy and apparently you got infected and you asked Sam to kill you. And he did. And no one told me. You didn't tell me for like a week until Sam accidentally opened his mouth. You were never planning on telling me.
I was so tired. Tired of chasing after you when you clearly wanted to be anywhere but with me, so I broke up with you. I couldn't do it anymore. You didn't take it well and we fought a lot. Said something we both probably didn't mean. You moved in with Sam...I think. I'm honestly not sure. And then HYDRA happened.
It was an event. Half the mansion woke up believing with every fiber of their being that they were HYDRA operatives. I woke up believing in the cause and knowing it was for the greater good. HYDRA would bring peace to Wonderland and we just needed to make them believe. I was Wiccan, I was a high level operative, only answering to The Captain (who was Steve, obviously), our mission was to convince people to join us, and if that failed to bring them to one of our facilities and brainwash them. We were not to kill because HYDRA wanted them alive.
[ He swallows because it's all still clear as day, the memories, the things he believed. They make him shudder. His voice starts to crack when he explains the next bit. ]
I forced Tommy into one of those chairs. I used my magic to brainwash my brother. [ He closes his eyes against the tears that threaten to fall. ]
I tried to get Bucky, and Darcy, and Sam into the chairs too but they found ways to stop me. Sam must have told you.
You came looking for me. With every intention of stopping me. And you did. [ His voice goes flat at that. The memories washing over him. Teddy intended to kill him to stop him of that he was certain. He all but said it. ]
I woke up two days later, the event was over the memories were there and I did the only thing I could think of. I hid.
[He listens intently, trying to take in as much as possible, to make sense of earlier's rant. Some of the pieces begin to slot into place, and he feels his stomach turn as Billy clarifies. It's a lot of information-- a lot of time to cover, and while he remembers none of it, he makes an effort to imagine himself in each and every situation that Billy explains.
None of it sounds right. None of it sounds like him, and perhaps that bothers him even more than the fact that he doesn't remember. Some of it sounds close, almost understandable, but some of those choices he can't even begin to imagine himself making, no matter the circumstances.
He knows what Billy means when he says that Teddy "stopped" him, and he feels something begin to grow thick in his throat. Even if Billy had been hurting people, it wasn't of his own free will-- he hadn't been himself, and Teddy knows that he himself would have found another way. There was always another way.
There's a long silence after Billy finishes, and Teddy finds it impossible to look him in the eye for the time being.]
All of that... really happened?
[What the fuck.
Avoiding Billy to spend time with someone else-- that didn't sit right with him, either. It didn't make sense. That wasn't who he was. He exhales, grimacing as he finally looks back to the boy beside him.]
I can't imagine hurting you like that. And-- I've never wanted to be with anyone else.
[Not since they'd first met. Not even now, when he'd taken some space for himself. He'd always thought that it would be temporary, because it wasn't like he wanted to be with anyone else, or even the chance to be with someone else. The fact that he couldn't imagine a life without Billy?
That's part of what scared him so damn much.]
Of course I believe everything you've told me, and... I'm more sorry than I can say that you had to go through any of it. And saying that... doesn't fix it. I can't make up for things I don't remember doing in the first place, but--
[He shakes his head, his brows knitting together as he frowns, looking down at his feet again.]
I can't believe there's some version of me that would do any of that.
[A version of himself that wouldn't trust Billy and stand by him. How could that even exist?]
[ Important to him, but not- no. That wasn't fair, he knew Teddy cared about him. This was the Teddy he remembered from home, not the one that was here. Still, it hurt to look at him knowing he didn't...he still wanted that space. ]
I don't think it can ever go back to the way it was.
[ Something in them had broken, maybe it had started when Teddy walked away back home, it definitely shattered here. ]
You wanted you space at home- I'm not. [ He sighed. ] I know we're kind of stuck here now together but I won't get in your way. You can still figure it out. I'll stay out of your way.
[Maybe it could be better than it was, in time. Teddy's grip on the edge of the roof tightens, knuckles going white.]
You're not in my way.
[It's more complicated than that.]
Billy, when I needed time away from the team... it wasn't just about you. And it wasn't because I don't trust you. I've had a lot on my mind, but-- given everything you've been through here, maybe right now isn't the best time to talk about it.
[He frowns, avoiding Billy's gaze again.]
After all that, don't you think you need a little time, too? This is the first time you've talked to me since it all happened, right?
[ As much as he understands there's still that voice in the back of his head. The voice that whispers he's not good enough, that he will never be a better person. A voice he tries to silence and most days he does, but when he's faced with Teddy it gets louder. It tells him that Teddy just doesn't want to talk about it with him. Because Teddy never seems to want to talk to him about things. He keeps them bottled up until they explode out of him. ]
I've had almost two years to come to terms with all the crap that happened here. I don't think I'm the one that needs time to process. If you don't want to talk about it then you can just say that.
If that's what I really meant, I would have just said it.
[He does want to talk about it-- but everything that Billy's just put on him is a lot, and this doesn't seem like the best time for either of them. He sighs, frustrated, and he shakes his head before he looks back to Billy properly.]
I don't like putting my problems on you. I never have. But-- I'll make you a deal.
That's what I'm was supposed to be for! You're supposed to lean on me like you let me lean on you. How am I supposed to help if I don't even know something is wrong- [ he stops himself and takes a breath. This is probably not the time to get into that argument. ]
A date? [ That catches him off guard because...well he doesn't remember the last time they had a date. Before Mother? Before that even? They had been a mess for so long. He sees that now. It's amazing what time and space will do. ]
Well, it wouldn't really be starting over. Not completely.
[Because whatever else may have happened, whatever else may have complicated things, those feelings are definitely still there. For as much as Teddy has weighing on his mind, he still wants to be with Billy. Being away for three weeks had been torture, although he'd thought it was necessary. For Billy to have been without him for two years? He could only imagine.
He smiles faintly, hoping it comes off as encouraging.]
Your last experiences with me here... they weren't great. And I've loved all the time we've spent together at home, but-- we've been living together since my mom died.
[Not to mention they'd had close friends die on them, as well.]
I can't remember the last time we went on a real date, can you? Maybe we've forgotten how. But I think it would be good for us.
I think we forgot what it mean to be Billy and Teddy in the first place. [ things had gotten so complicated at home. They lost sight what why they loved each other so much.
He unwrapped his arms from around his legs and reached out, closing his hand over Teddy's which was still gripping the edge of the roof. ]
[He's startled by the display, considering all that's been said, but he softens a moment later, his hand relaxing before he turns it palm-side up and laces their fingers together.]
I think we might have. But I still love you, too. Even when I went away, that didn't stop.
[He'd wanted to call him every single day. Hell, twice he'd almost bought a bus ticket and turned back.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
actualwizard) wrote2014-08-09 07:33 pm
text.
text--> action
[ He stops long enough to look in a mirror to make sure he's not a mess, run his fingers through his hair or something, before he teleports himself to the roof.
He walks to the ends and sits, letting his legs hang over the side. Its his favorite place in Wonderland. ]
no subject
He exhales, lowering himself down to sit beside Billy but taking care to leave a few inches of space between them. It's probably not the time for them to be holding hands.]
I'm sorry. Whatever I missed, I don't think I can even begin to explain away, because I don't understand most of it, but the things I do remember? From home? I'm sorry, Billy.
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[ He pulls his legs up, resting his chin on his knees and wrapping his arms around his legs. ] As for what happened at home, its fine. It was already resolved before I got here. [ If resolved means barely talked about then sure. ] You just sort of brought old feelings back up.
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It's already resolved?
[He wants to know how. What choice did he make? Had he fixed things, or only made them worse?]
Billy... some of what you said I did, when you snapped. The things I don't remember--
[He looks up again, grimacing.]
I can't ever imagine doing anything like that to you.
[Even with his doubts, his concerns, he can't even fathom the idea of being with anyone else. He'd never wanted anyone else.]
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Do you want to know your future? I mean, it's only a few weeks- amonth and a half or so from where you are. What happens after New Years I haven't got a clue about. But I'll tell you if you want to know.
[ He moves his gaze back to the grounds of Wonderland. The view rarely changes and it's sort of comforting. ]
I couldn't either.
[ He lets out a breath, its shaky and he's trying not to let everything overwhelm him. ]
I can tell you about the last three years of you really want to know. They aren't going to be easy to hear.
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He grimaces, setting his jaw before giving Billy a nod.]
I kind of got that, from the way you snapped earlier. It's okay. Even if it's going to be hard to listen to...
[He shakes his head.]
I need to know. I have to know what I did. You said I--
[He pauses again, looking straight ahead. He can't look at Billy as he echoes this part.]
I snapped your neck.
[There's nothing, nothing that he can think of that would ever make him raise a hand against Billy. Nothing. Even when they were a mess, the way he felt about Billy was all-consuming. How could he have done something like that? How would he have been able to sleep at night afterwards, having hurt him?]
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[ He could do this. He could tell Teddy everything that happened and then maybe, maybe he could start healing from it.
He exhales and tries to think of where to start. The beginning is probably the best place. ]
I showed up here three years ago, three years and two weeks actually if you want to get specific. Kate was where, she was from a little more ahead of us in time but she had been in California when she was pulled here. A week or so later Tommy showed up. Then in July you showed up too, only you were behind us. This place can take us from whatever time it wants and it took you from Latveria- right when you woke up to find I had gone off to storm Doom's castle.
It started off badly, I don't know why. You were three years behind, you didn't know about Cassie or Vision, or me yet. You didn't know about Mother or not believing you were real or anything that had shaped us. Maybe I made the wrong call, but I didn't want to tell you. Cassie's death changed us all and I didn't want you to know but not have lived it. Things were strained and you were really closed off. We fought.
Then you went home. Sometimes this place will send us home for a week or so but our stuff will stay which means we'll be back. We forget when we go home but once we get back our memories of this place return.
You came back and we were on the same page again, and everything was good. For a little while.
[ Some of this is hard to explain, events are hard to explain if they haven't lived them yet, but Billy keeps going because it seems that he can't stop. He tells Teddy about the other alternate world Avengers who were there, Cap, and Natasha and Bucky, all three of whom he grew close to and trained him, how two of them had left (even though Bucky is back now). He talked about Wanda and how close they grew and how she also left, and the one that was he he hadn't let himself get close to get. He told him about Tommy and Kate and that they were gone and eventually he explained about the event that turned them into high school students and his best friend during that event being Loki. ]
When we change back to normal we remember everything that happened during the event. I remember this life where I grew up without powers but with a best friend who was a little mischievous but a good person. He wasn't like our Loki, any of them, he was broken but not bad, he just needed a chance and I wanted to give that to him. I refused to let him push me away and we actually did become friends. He taught me a lot more about my magic than anyone else has ever been able to and I trusted him.
And you hated it.
We fought about it a lot. Every time we did you seemed to withdraw further and further from me no matter how hard I tried to pull you back. It got to the point where I didn't see you for days at a time, and we lived together. You actively started to avoid me and spend time with someone else, or I assume you did, you never really told me. Every event that happened you got further from the person you were and just I didn't know you anymore.
[ He takes a breath and lets it out. The pauses because the next part is the start of the part he's going to hate. ]
We had an event. Zombies, the first of like four zombie events. [ He hates Zombie events. ]
You were avoiding me and I was taking care of Tommy and apparently you got infected and you asked Sam to kill you. And he did. And no one told me. You didn't tell me for like a week until Sam accidentally opened his mouth. You were never planning on telling me.
I was so tired. Tired of chasing after you when you clearly wanted to be anywhere but with me, so I broke up with you. I couldn't do it anymore. You didn't take it well and we fought a lot. Said something we both probably didn't mean. You moved in with Sam...I think. I'm honestly not sure. And then HYDRA happened.
It was an event. Half the mansion woke up believing with every fiber of their being that they were HYDRA operatives. I woke up believing in the cause and knowing it was for the greater good. HYDRA would bring peace to Wonderland and we just needed to make them believe. I was Wiccan, I was a high level operative, only answering to The Captain (who was Steve, obviously), our mission was to convince people to join us, and if that failed to bring them to one of our facilities and brainwash them. We were not to kill because HYDRA wanted them alive.
[ He swallows because it's all still clear as day, the memories, the things he believed. They make him shudder. His voice starts to crack when he explains the next bit. ]
I forced Tommy into one of those chairs. I used my magic to brainwash my brother. [ He closes his eyes against the tears that threaten to fall. ]
I tried to get Bucky, and Darcy, and Sam into the chairs too but they found ways to stop me. Sam must have told you.
You came looking for me. With every intention of stopping me. And you did. [ His voice goes flat at that. The memories washing over him. Teddy intended to kill him to stop him of that he was certain. He all but said it. ]
I woke up two days later, the event was over the memories were there and I did the only thing I could think of. I hid.
A month later you were gone.
no subject
None of it sounds right. None of it sounds like him, and perhaps that bothers him even more than the fact that he doesn't remember. Some of it sounds close, almost understandable, but some of those choices he can't even begin to imagine himself making, no matter the circumstances.
He knows what Billy means when he says that Teddy "stopped" him, and he feels something begin to grow thick in his throat. Even if Billy had been hurting people, it wasn't of his own free will-- he hadn't been himself, and Teddy knows that he himself would have found another way. There was always another way.
There's a long silence after Billy finishes, and Teddy finds it impossible to look him in the eye for the time being.]
All of that... really happened?
[What the fuck.
Avoiding Billy to spend time with someone else-- that didn't sit right with him, either. It didn't make sense. That wasn't who he was. He exhales, grimacing as he finally looks back to the boy beside him.]
I can't imagine hurting you like that. And-- I've never wanted to be with anyone else.
[Not since they'd first met. Not even now, when he'd taken some space for himself. He'd always thought that it would be temporary, because it wasn't like he wanted to be with anyone else, or even the chance to be with someone else. The fact that he couldn't imagine a life without Billy?
That's part of what scared him so damn much.]
Of course I believe everything you've told me, and... I'm more sorry than I can say that you had to go through any of it. And saying that... doesn't fix it. I can't make up for things I don't remember doing in the first place, but--
[He shakes his head, his brows knitting together as he frowns, looking down at his feet again.]
I can't believe there's some version of me that would do any of that.
[A version of himself that wouldn't trust Billy and stand by him. How could that even exist?]
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I don't blame you. I can't. You didn't do any of that.
[ Just someone wearing his face.
He's resting his head on his knees and he turns it to look at Teddy.]
Now what?
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[He wishes he had a better answer than that. He looks to Billy and grimaces, meeting his gaze.]
Things can't just be the way they were, can they. Like nothing ever happened.
[Whether he did those things or not-- it was a lot. Billy needed time to process, and Teddy still needed a little bit of space. He sighs again.]
You're still... Billy, you're so important to me.
no subject
I don't think it can ever go back to the way it was.
[ Something in them had broken, maybe it had started when Teddy walked away back home, it definitely shattered here. ]
You wanted you space at home- I'm not. [ He sighed. ] I know we're kind of stuck here now together but I won't get in your way. You can still figure it out. I'll stay out of your way.
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You're not in my way.
[It's more complicated than that.]
Billy, when I needed time away from the team... it wasn't just about you. And it wasn't because I don't trust you. I've had a lot on my mind, but-- given everything you've been through here, maybe right now isn't the best time to talk about it.
[He frowns, avoiding Billy's gaze again.]
After all that, don't you think you need a little time, too? This is the first time you've talked to me since it all happened, right?
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I've had almost two years to come to terms with all the crap that happened here. I don't think I'm the one that needs time to process. If you don't want to talk about it then you can just say that.
no subject
[He does want to talk about it-- but everything that Billy's just put on him is a lot, and this doesn't seem like the best time for either of them. He sighs, frustrated, and he shakes his head before he looks back to Billy properly.]
I don't like putting my problems on you. I never have. But-- I'll make you a deal.
[He sucks in a sharp breath of air.]
How about a date? And we can talk about it then.
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A date? [ That catches him off guard because...well he doesn't remember the last time they had a date. Before Mother? Before that even? They had been a mess for so long. He sees that now. It's amazing what time and space will do. ]
Like. Starting over, date?
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[Because whatever else may have happened, whatever else may have complicated things, those feelings are definitely still there. For as much as Teddy has weighing on his mind, he still wants to be with Billy. Being away for three weeks had been torture, although he'd thought it was necessary. For Billy to have been without him for two years? He could only imagine.
He smiles faintly, hoping it comes off as encouraging.]
Your last experiences with me here... they weren't great. And I've loved all the time we've spent together at home, but-- we've been living together since my mom died.
[Not to mention they'd had close friends die on them, as well.]
I can't remember the last time we went on a real date, can you? Maybe we've forgotten how. But I think it would be good for us.
no subject
He unwrapped his arms from around his legs and reached out, closing his hand over Teddy's which was still gripping the edge of the roof. ]
I still love you, nothing has changed that.
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I think we might have. But I still love you, too. Even when I went away, that didn't stop.
[He'd wanted to call him every single day. Hell, twice he'd almost bought a bus ticket and turned back.]
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He gives him a small hopeful smile. ]
So, date?
no subject
Yeah. I'll come pick you up at your room and everything. Dinner and a movie, maybe?
[Or is that a little too cliche'd? Although, the two of them tended to have superior taste when it came to movies.]
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Except you don't know where my room is. [ he says it's teasingly. ]
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[Seems reasonable, right? He grins back, teasing as well.]
But since I already denied you the chance to give me a fake phone number, I figured I'd give you one more shot to get out of it if you wanted.
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[ He squeezes Teddy's hand. ]
So when should I be ready?
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[He smiles a bit sheepishly, rubbing at the back of his neck with his free hand. He's not really up on whatever calendar Wonderland uses.]
Tomorrow night? Is that too soon?
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