[ That makes him frown, reaching out he takes her hand, linking their fingers and giving her a comforting squeeze. He knows what her blood can do back in her world and how much people want to use her and he hates that it puts her in so much danger. ]
I'm sorry. [ There doesn't seem to be anything else to say, any concerns that are now running through his mind are probably also running through hers, voicing them isn't going to make it better. He has a few ideas, maybe a protection charm like he made for Sam once, like what he wears around his neck every day. She's said they won't work on her but his magic is different from her world's. ]
( elena smiles faintly, glancing down at their now interlocked fingers. it's silly, maybe, but her eyes almost sting with tears. it's so similar to what bonnie would have done. just take her hand, remind her that she's not alone, and ask how she can help. an awareness that goes beyond their years: sometimes there aren't words for everything.
sometimes all you can say is sorry. )
You being here is enough.
( she needs those connections. she needs to feel the people she loves, a tangible reminder they are safe and real. she bites the inside of her cheek, an unnamable grief crowding her chest in the silence that follows. ) How many times have you... ( died? she finds she can't say the word. but billy's been here so long, elena is now realizing it is perhaps inevitable billy has mansion deaths under his belt. she hadn't wanted to think of it. still doesn't. )
[ He'll be there for her for as long as she needs him to be.
He knew the question was coming, but that was ok, he could tell Elena. If there was anyone in Wonderland that he could tell it would be her. There was no one left in Wonderland who knew what actually happened back then, it would be comforting for someone to know again. He takes a breath and lets it out. ]
( elena rests in the silence that follows. she places a hand on billy's back, hoping to convey without words he doesn't need to tell her. she will never force those painful truths out of him.
but she is here, just in case he thinks he might be able to say the words.
she's here to listen, as he has always listened to her. )
[ He can talk about it, he just needs to figure out what he wants to say.
It takes him another few moments before he opens his mouth. ]
The first...it was Angel, or well he was Angelus at the time, someone had taken his soul. He killed a few people. I was on the roof, didn't even see him coming. It happened really fast.
[ It was better that it happened so fast. He didn't have time to be traumatized, not really. Or at least that's what he told himself. It was nothing compared to...]
The second time was Teddy.
[ His voice is quiet when he says it, cracks on Teddy's name. ]
( her stomach clenches with something uncomfortable at the mention of angelus.
she's heard of angelus enough to draw parallels with a certain ripper. depriving a vampire of its desires only makes them hungrier for it. sooner or later, they spring free from that self-imposed cage.
but nothing prepares her for the second death. she has to suck in an audible breath. they've talked about teddy before. she knows how deeply billy has loved, and still loves, him. she can't wrap her head around that. she just can't. )
Your Teddy...? ( elena asks like she needs to be sure she is hearing this right. )
[ Its a reaction he expects, because some days he still can't wrap his head around it. He just nods, swallowing passed a lump in his throat. ]
It was during an event, but he...he was still him. It wasn't- I wasn't me. I thought I was part of HYDRA, and we had to recruit people, and if we couldn't recruit them well, there were ways of making them see it our way. I- [ his voice cracks a little here ] hurt some people. He thought the only way to stop me was to... snap my neck. [ He hates saying it, he hates thinking about it, he hates when he wakes up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night because he can still feel Teddy's hands around his neck.
He's not looking at her as he talks, he needs to get it all out and if he looks up at her then he's just going to break. ]
Young Avengers don't kill. We never- we always find another way. Other people found another way.
We had been broken up. I broke up with him a few weeks earlier. He wasn't- sometimes I don't think he was my Teddy. But then I think maybe thats just wishful thinking and maybe this place just broke him beyond repair. Or I never really knew him afterall.
she can't imagine having what it would take to do that to the person you love. of course, elena would've attempted to stop billy in what ways she could. she'd have never given up, right up until the event reached its conclusion. but kill him? knowing it wasn't really billy? knowing that wonderland was influencing him, and a mansion death is a mansion death?
she swallows, hard. )
Maybe he wasn't, though. I'd believe that.
( the words are difficult to say, but there's understanding behind them. stefan in wonderland hasn't felt like her stefan, not once. so often he feels unfamiliar her. he pushed her away for so long that she doesn't know how to bridge the distance anymore, or if she even wants to. and only a year ago, she couldn't have imagined feeling that way. ) Look at us. All of us. We come from so many worlds. I've met more than one version of Bonnie. Peter would call it Schrödinger's cat theorem.
[ They've spoken about Stefan a few times, she knows what it feels like to not know someone you usually know better than anyone else. It makes sense, so much sense but...] what if it was him though? He was so much like my teddy when he first got here and then I have no idea what happened to him. Any Teddy though- who proclaimed to love me as much as he did. [ He swallows back tears. ] How do you hurt someone you love like that?
( elena reaches to cover his hand with her own. tears threaten to well up her eyes, but she holds them at bay. she wants to have an answer for him, but she doesn't think there is one. ) Do you think it's possible he was influenced by Wonderland too, in some way?
( even if it wasn't by the event itself... wonderland can change people. maybe that's what's terrifying. someone who was once so familiar to you, someone that you once knew like the back of your hand, can become a stranger tomorrow. and that's not always wonderland's fault. that's life. )
I don't know. [ He's definitely in the realm of possibilities though. ] I've never seen it change anyone not during events, being here changed him but...that was more because he refused to handle anything that happened here.
[ He sighs and brings his hand up to his forehead, squeezing the bridge of his nose. ] Not that any of this matters, he's not here anymore. I miss him, but I'm glad he's not stuck here. [ It's taken him over a year to finally be in a place where he can miss his boyfriend again. Billy has flourished in Wonderland, becoming someone he was actually proud of being, Teddy hadn't. Wonderland had stunted him. ]
( elena places a hand behind billy, letting it run up and down his back in a soothing circle. even with everything that happened to her recently, at least she can say it wasn't a Real. it wasn't someone she loved. )
It still matters. Even if he's not here. And it can always be both.
( billy can miss him, without necessarily wanting teddy to be stuck here, too. )
( elena manages a small laugh, choked though it may be. she shakes her head by way of reassurance. ) No, we're comforting each other. And it helps to talk to someone who's been there, even if I wish you'd never had to experience any of it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
actualwizard) wrote2014-08-09 07:33 pm
no subject
I'm sorry. [ There doesn't seem to be anything else to say, any concerns that are now running through his mind are probably also running through hers, voicing them isn't going to make it better. He has a few ideas, maybe a protection charm like he made for Sam once, like what he wears around his neck every day. She's said they won't work on her but his magic is different from her world's. ]
What can I do?
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sometimes all you can say is sorry. )
You being here is enough.
( she needs those connections. she needs to feel the people she loves, a tangible reminder they are safe and real. she bites the inside of her cheek, an unnamable grief crowding her chest in the silence that follows. ) How many times have you... ( died? she finds she can't say the word. but billy's been here so long, elena is now realizing it is perhaps inevitable billy has mansion deaths under his belt. she hadn't wanted to think of it. still doesn't. )
no subject
He knew the question was coming, but that was ok, he could tell Elena. If there was anyone in Wonderland that he could tell it would be her. There was no one left in Wonderland who knew what actually happened back then, it would be comforting for someone to know again. He takes a breath and lets it out. ]
Twice. I've died twice.
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but she is here, just in case he thinks he might be able to say the words.
she's here to listen, as he has always listened to her. )
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It takes him another few moments before he opens his mouth. ]
The first...it was Angel, or well he was Angelus at the time, someone had taken his soul. He killed a few people. I was on the roof, didn't even see him coming. It happened really fast.
[ It was better that it happened so fast. He didn't have time to be traumatized, not really. Or at least that's what he told himself. It was nothing compared to...]
The second time was Teddy.
[ His voice is quiet when he says it, cracks on Teddy's name. ]
no subject
she's heard of angelus enough to draw parallels with a certain ripper. depriving a vampire of its desires only makes them hungrier for it. sooner or later, they spring free from that self-imposed cage.
but nothing prepares her for the second death. she has to suck in an audible breath. they've talked about teddy before. she knows how deeply billy has loved, and still loves, him. she can't wrap her head around that. she just can't. )
Your Teddy...? ( elena asks like she needs to be sure she is hearing this right. )
no subject
It was during an event, but he...he was still him. It wasn't- I wasn't me. I thought I was part of HYDRA, and we had to recruit people, and if we couldn't recruit them well, there were ways of making them see it our way. I- [ his voice cracks a little here ] hurt some people. He thought the only way to stop me was to... snap my neck.
[ He hates saying it, he hates thinking about it, he hates when he wakes up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night because he can still feel Teddy's hands around his neck.
He's not looking at her as he talks, he needs to get it all out and if he looks up at her then he's just going to break. ]
Young Avengers don't kill. We never- we always find another way. Other people found another way.
We had been broken up. I broke up with him a few weeks earlier. He wasn't- sometimes I don't think he was my Teddy. But then I think maybe thats just wishful thinking and maybe this place just broke him beyond repair. Or I never really knew him afterall.
no subject
she can't imagine having what it would take to do that to the person you love. of course, elena would've attempted to stop billy in what ways she could. she'd have never given up, right up until the event reached its conclusion. but kill him? knowing it wasn't really billy? knowing that wonderland was influencing him, and a mansion death is a mansion death?
she swallows, hard. )
Maybe he wasn't, though. I'd believe that.
( the words are difficult to say, but there's understanding behind them. stefan in wonderland hasn't felt like her stefan, not once. so often he feels unfamiliar her. he pushed her away for so long that she doesn't know how to bridge the distance anymore, or if she even wants to. and only a year ago, she couldn't have imagined feeling that way. ) Look at us. All of us. We come from so many worlds. I've met more than one version of Bonnie. Peter would call it Schrödinger's cat theorem.
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( even if it wasn't by the event itself... wonderland can change people. maybe that's what's terrifying. someone who was once so familiar to you, someone that you once knew like the back of your hand, can become a stranger tomorrow. and that's not always wonderland's fault. that's life. )
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[ He sighs and brings his hand up to his forehead, squeezing the bridge of his nose. ] Not that any of this matters, he's not here anymore. I miss him, but I'm glad he's not stuck here. [ It's taken him over a year to finally be in a place where he can miss his boyfriend again. Billy has flourished in Wonderland, becoming someone he was actually proud of being, Teddy hadn't. Wonderland had stunted him. ]
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It still matters. Even if he's not here. And it can always be both.
( billy can miss him, without necessarily wanting teddy to be stuck here, too. )
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